The Canine Composition Collaborative and Co-op

We LOVE our dogs – even when they shed all over the house or dig holes in the yard. Even if they’re not {gasp} purebred…

But I can't stop wondering what mix of breeds make up my lovable mutts. I have browsed through hundreds of breed descriptions and thousands of images seeking this knowledge.

And I found it: she’s Shetland Sheepdog and Australian Shepherd.

Then, inevitably, one of the parameters change - sometimes within a few weeks, sometimes not for a year or more.

It could be the dog’s behavior: you notice she’s herding your nephew;

or a new statistic: Keeshond popularity jumped up 15 spots on the AKC registration chart from 2009 to 2010.

That’s where Canine Composition Collaboration and Co-op comes in. The objective is simple:

Determine what breeds have collided to produce the perfect storm that is my magnificent mutt.

Amended 3/11/11: Find the best educated guess of the breeds in my dog’s ancestry.

The technique usually follows this course:

You start, of course with appearance:

· Size

· Shape

· Coat

· Color

Next, consider personality:

· Some breeds have distinctive traits

· Your dog has distinctive traits

· Work back and forth to see where they overlap

It’s also a good idea to consider the probability that the breeds you’ve decided on would actually have – um, gotten together - to produce your puppy.

· For instance, it would be unlikely that a Chinese Foo Dog would have met up with a New Guinea Singing Dog

· Improbable doesn’t mean impossible: one of my dogs had a father who was a purebred Rhodesian Ridgeback – not common at all. So in the absence of any proof to the contrary – it’s your dog and your decision to make!

· Also realize that your dog could be a mix of 3, 4 or more breeds

The new resource I’ve added is the wisdom and experience of other dog owners.

Purebreed dog owners can share the knowledge of their particular breed that is not commonly available or comprehendable to most people. (Brindle and merle colors among Australian Shepherds, Border Collies and Shetland Sheepdogs still confuses me.)

Mixed breed owners – I have never owned a purebred dog, but I did know the parents of some of the mutts I’ve had. I’m always surprised when I see a dog that looks just like one of my “unique” dogs. When I do, I like to share my information and I’m hoping others will want to share with me.

Usually your first guess is fairly easy to settle on, but be prepared to change your mind. Your silky-haired dog may be well past her 3^rd birthday before her adult coat comes in and suddenly she’s blowing out a full woolly undercoat. Or you might discover that last year the American Kennel Club started registering a dog you've never heard of and wow, your dog looks a lot like an Icelandic Sheepdog!

It’s enough to drive you crazy if you let it - and I did. My new way of dealing with it is to make a game of it. I know you can order home DNA kits, and I will admit to being tempted, but with all the dogs I have (and will have in the future!), I would rather use the money to buy them a bagful of toys. This is much more fun, and knowing “for sure” won’t make me love them any more!

Mirror Ball Trophy v. Super Bowl Ring

Aw, man - I can't believe it ... it may take a while for me to process this.

I'm one of those people who has to have the TV on even if I'm not really watching it. Psychologically, it's because I don't like being alone with myself or something like that. But that's another column...

Yesterday, I was cleaning the house (no, that's not the unbelievable part) with the news on in the background. "Dancing With The Stars" was announcing the line-up for next season (yep, this is what passes for news nowadays). Out of the corner of my ear, I hear "Pittsburgh Steeler ----". I didn't even turn to look - I immediately thought of Hall of Famer wide receiver Lynn Swann, who, by the way, I thought would be an excellent choice.

Then this morning I see that, no - it's not Lynn Swann, it's not Terry Bradshaw, it's not even Big Ben... it's Hines Ward!!! #86!! The only Steeler that actually showed up at the Super Bowl!! I was shocked - SHOCKED I tell you!

I know you're thinking, "So what? Who cares?" Well, there are a couple of reasons this disturbed me:

1. The "stars" on DWTS are, for the most part, "has-beens". Not that I disliked them all - I actually liked quite a few, but as with all the other "celebrity" shows, the majority of them haven't been "stars" in many, many years.

2. I can already hear the derisive comments from the Cheeseheads*: "Well, if you can't win the Super Bowl Ring, I guess this is just as good." (And don't even get me started on the Cowboys and Patriots!)

However, after reading the post on Steelers.com (http://www.steelers.com/), I decided this doesn't have to be a bad thing. Hines Ward seems to have a good attitude about it - approaching it as a fun endeavor, but admitting that, because of his competitive nature - he IS going for the win!

Well, I'm still not totally convinced, but I'm with-holding judgement while I ponder on it some more. I'm already realizing at least one positive aspect of it - I'll get to see Hines Ward in something other than football padding! OOH, and what about those behind-the-scenes clips - they always flash plenty of skin during the practice sessions. Okay, this might be acceptable!

Anticipation.... Anticipa-a-tion... (Get it? A ketchup reference - from the old commercial - Heinz ketchup, too if I remember correctly!)

Stay tuned...

What I Imagine My Hell Will Be Like

I got a new glimpse of what my Hell will be like. Imagine with me:

Last week, the Utility company informed you they will be working in the neighborhood, so there will be no power between 8:00-12 noon. Arrgh Oh, well - fine. But the dog went crazy when the guy hung the notice on the door, so you let her tear it up (the notice, not the door - or the guy). Look how cute she is - she's ripping it to shreds! You post what's left of the notice "No power on Mar... " - no worries - you'll remember the date.

Fast Foward to today: You have a great night's sleep because hubby is out of town & you got to sleep with the radio on (which means the dogs don't wake up at every little noise). You grab a nice hot cup of coffee, saunter into the living room and turn on "Good Morning America". Wow, Muammar Gaddafi is a nut-case. Wow, so is Charlie Sheen - he's living with his "Goddesses" - one is a porn star, the other is a - BLIP, CLONK! All power goes off. Arrgh!

You glance at the scrap of paper on door - hmmm, guess it was March 1st. Aarrrgh - guess you can take a shower now - in fact, take a nice, long shower. Six minutes into shower the dogs start barking like a pack of - well, dogs - so you jump out of the shower, dry off (sorta) , throw on some sweats & an old T-shirt, and hurry into the living room.

Arrgh! Stupid Utility guy is knocking on the door, so you have to peek your head out (the one with no make-up & hair tied up like a samurai) and try to hear above the cacophony of noise. He says they need to work in YOUR backyard so you need to put the dogs inside. Aarrgh!!

Amazingly, it only takes 2 minutes to get them inside, and you slam the doggie door shut. You peek out the front door again while simultaneously fighting off the dogs to keep them from getting out. What the --- no one is there. Aarrgh! You squeeze out of the door and yell at the dogs,"BE QUIET!!" (or something like that). Two Utility workers are standing by the back gate in all their glory (nice toolbelt!) looking amused at the frumpy, harassed senior citizen in all her glory. You mutter, "Okay, the dogs are inside." and slink back into the house.

You didn't think it was possible, but the dogs are barking even more - all in their most annoying and non-inside voices. You chase them down to lock them in a back room, and chaos ensues: dogs are alternately running from you, running into you, running into each other. You scream, "SHUT UP!" - er, "Be Quiet!". That seems to work on the 2 little ones- they calm down and only give an occasional yip. The big one - the crazy one - is out of control. You measure her up - stare her down - she gives you the evil eye. You hesitate, then tell her, "FORGET YOU!" - rush in, arms waving and herd her into the hallway, grab the child-gate & whip it into place.

Whew! Collapse on the couch, reach for your meds - Aarrgh, you're out - your refill is waiting at the pharmacy. Well, now would be a great time to pick it up AND it gets you out of the torture chamber that is your house. You endure 10 more minutes of ear-splitting noise to make yourself more presentable (it's just not fair to subject anyone else to what you really look like). Grab the car keys - ARRGH! You idiot!! You didn't take the car out of the garage and there it sits - behind the electric garage door!!

Collapse on the couch again in total despair. Fine, you tell yourself (and any all-powerful, other-worldly being who's listening) you're going to spend the next two hours on Facebook, playing all your silly farming games... so there!! Open laptop, turn on computer, click internet icon.... click internet icon... AAARRRGH!!! No electricity - no internet!!!

That was my "Aha!" moment - this is what my Hell would be like! More precisely, this is what I have allowed my Hell to look like - what I have allowed my life to become.

After the utility guys left, we spent the rest of the time outside (the dogs and I, not the utility guys...). The dogs hunted lizards and gophers, I worked in the garden for the first time in months. I saw an incredible variety of birds - goldfinches, phoebes, bluebirds, cedar waxwings, even a red-headed woodpecker - as well as the usual suspects, including my favorite, the black phoebe.

It wasn't a "magic" transformation: I still wanted to drive away in my car, and I was extremely perturbed when the power didn't come on until 12:20! I'm sure it's just a coincidence* that Lent begins next week - time to choose which of the plethora of vices to "give up". Ah, the burden of being an imperfect human who needs an annual reminder to figure out what life is all about.

*"Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous."